I am very blue this holiday season more then usual, Christmas lights and seeing snow fall out a window takes me back to last years Christmas watching my dad suffer and pass away. He died of pancreatic cancer on Dec. 27th at 10:23 pm, I stayed over night the night before his death and watched a heck of a snow storm cover an already white carpet on the ground, from the couch near his hospice bed in his living room I watched out the big window behind me and the street light made the snow look of diamonds and I daydreamed it would be his jeweled path to Heaven, my dad loved Christmas and loved all the lights ,sad these great things that we all shared bring up a memory so dark, then again I know God took him with him and what a better way to die then in your favorite time of year, I try to look at it as my dad got to Meet God for Christmas. It's weird how our minds associate our experiences in life to small things such as snow or a Christmas light but when we as humans feel a deep emotion we somehow imprint a time and a place and a picture in a memory and when we later see these things it seems it can take us right back to that same feeling we had no matter how long it's been, very amazing how our brain works, we can recall sounds , sights, and even a smell all in our mind. I get upset with myself when I start to feel sad about all this being I have four children and a step son that deserve to have a wonderful holiday .I find it so hard to even get of the couch to go bake Christmas goodies like I do every year. I certainly don't want stop a tradition in our home and taint it with my own absorption of sorrow, so how do we move past the pain of imprinted memories...simple... we don't we just learn to live with that new emotion that attaches itself to our present. I try to smile and try to cope and be Merry, ho ho ho but really I just want to crawl in bed and dream of when my dad was alive and how he'd be over eating goodies and playing games. So this Christmas I wear a smile for my children because indeed their happiness is my goal and I bake the goodies and know my dad would not want me to break our family traditions and wallow in my own pain. So I cope the best way I know how and that's just deal with it on the inside and make sure I don't spill it on the outside, after all the children are what makes Christmas fun. I tend to hold in my emotions being what's the true since in letting them out when nothing will change.... a good cry in private is all I need, and it seems to release some of the woes in live, but it would sure be nice if it didn't ruin everything...sorrow , regret, guilt, love, all the emotions ...what is.. is.. and always will be.
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